Hell Month

-the dark underbelly of the annual Burk family picnic.

When I retired last year I was feeling like life would be different. Less work. More fun. Fewer obligations. Hammock time. Late night movie screenings with no concern about early rising. Drifting down the shore in a kayak with a cold drink on board. Sitting in the gazebo for hours waiting for an interesting bird to come along. And more. It was all true. Until May. Then all hell broke loose. Well, sort of. I had forgotten about Hell Month. Let me explain.

For just about our entire married life of now 33 years Nancy and I have thrown a spring picnic. In the early days our picnic was on Sunday of Memorial Day weekend. Eventually we moved the picnic to the Saturday after Memorial Day. This avoided conflicts for those who had developed their own family traditions or typically had travel plans for the first long weekend of the summer season. (For a look at the latest version of this annual event see the Burk Family Blog posts Ready for the Annual Picnic and Annual Picnic).

But the dark secret of the annual picnic is that it has always been a ruse. We have shamelessly used our friends for years for personal benefit. This benefit was - home improvement. You see, I'm basically lazy and without a great deal of skill in the tool department. Oh I have tools. Not a lot by "Tim the Tool Man Taylor" standards. But I have the usual pounding, driving, drilling and cutting implements, some of which even plug in. After all, I have had as many Fathers Days as the next dad. But unlike a few of my close friends, I don't wake up every morning just hoping for a reason to crack the tool box.

So what strategy could my Bride and I conjure up to make sure that needed spring cleaning and fix-ups took place, as well as the occasional home improvement project? The answer was the annual Burk family picnic. The idea was that if we invited a large number of friends over for a cookout, we would want the place to look as nice as possible. And it has worked like a charm for years. But it hasn't been a cake walk. It's taken a lot of planning, time, effort and the sacrifice of the month of May - now known in the Burk household as Hell Month.

It all starts in April, often while sitting on the veranda of a Florida resort. We start with a review of the previous year's list of tasks and then start brainstorming new stuff. This can include heavy maintenance tasks that were skipped the previous year (like staining the deck or varnishing the yard swing) or improvement projects that have been discussed since the previous Hell Month. After completing the list, we let it simmer for a few days. Then, after easing pre-Hell Month anxieties through a little liquid therapy, we agree on a final plan.

So you can get a feel for just how this plays out, here is the final list for this year, divided into three sections - projects/cleaning/prep tasks to be completed prior to party week, party week cleaning and shopping, and party-day set up tasks. Yes, this may seem a little over the top. Okay, we lost the lid years ago. But before you laugh so hard you sneeze all over your screen, remember that this system has worked for 30 plus years with only minor penalty minutes.  

To be completed May 6 through May 21
Level gate	Dad
Buy and install new garage and porch lights	Dad
Check/repair deck and spot lights	Dad
Install yard hammock pole	Dad
Trim white pine (by hammock pole)	Dad
Relocate firewood and rack to cottage	Dad
Cleanout wood around shed	Dad
Research installation of/install putting green	Dad
Replace burned out lights in kitchen	Dad
Recharge storm glass in living room (barometer)	Dad
Install stain glass window in stairway	Dad
Repair kitchen drawer	Dad
Inventory plates/utensils	Mom
Weed garden	Mom
Shampoo carpets	Mom
Reserve kennel for Kody	Mom
Cleanout feeders around shed	Mom
Chip twig pile/tidy twig area	Mom
Buy and install palm tree for deck	Mom
Fix loose facings in kitchen	Mom
Install valances for family room side window	Mom
Wash family and living room windows	Joint
Refurb Adirondacks	Joint
Touch up swing	Joint
Refurb/relocate picnic table to cottage	Joint
Tighten deck	Joint
To be completed May 29-31
Tidy/dust/vacuum basement rooms	Dad
Dust first floor/upstairs rooms	Dad
Wash/dust kitchen	Dad
Complete final mow	Dad
Confirm shopping list	Dad
Shop food, drinks and supplies	Dad
Pack beer fridge	Dad
Tidy garage	Dad
Wash deck, swing, Adirondacks and lawn chairs	Dad
Mop kitchen floor	Mom
Trim hedges	Mom
Tidy kitchen fridge	Mom
Check/refresh the propane tank/charcoal	Mom
Prepare supplemental food	Mom
Tidy office	Mom
To be completed day of picnic
Sweep drive, deck & garage	Dad
Set up deck seating	Dad
Set up yard area	Dad
Set up deck drink area	Dad
Board dog	Mom
Patty burgers	Mom
Set family room table	Mom
Vacuum first floor	Mom
Clean/re-towel bathrooms	Mom
Buy ice	Christy Cathy

You may have noticed that the party responsible for completing (or at least organizing and leading) each activity is identified in the right column. (For those of you who worked with me for years in Research, you may be wondering where the predecessor relationships and duration for each task are shown? Don't be silly. It's only a picnic :-) As you can see from the list, Mom and Dad took heavy hits this year. In their defense I must say that in earlier years when they were students and living at home, the kids did contribute their fair share. Ah, the good old days.

This year's Hell Month activities went off pretty much according to plan (I know, you're shocked - shocked to find planning going on in the Burk household), but there was one major difference - I had no place to hide. In past years, I performed my Hell Month tasks on weekends and evenings, crawling into my IRS Research workstation chair on weekday mornings (self-medicated as necessary to regain the use of my extremities) for a "grueling" work day of conference calls and emails. Little did I realize that without the job, there would be no breaks between all that cleaning, raking, sweeping, mowing, varnishing, drilling, twig-breaking, relocating, dis-assembly and reassembly. It gave a whole new meaning to the term Hell Month.

Of course, we have much of the ordeal on film. So here are a few highlights of the fun we had prior to guest arrival for this year's Burk family picnic. First we had what I like to call the warm-up exercise. You know, an activity designed to wake up sleeping parts of the brain and reduce the anxiety that accompanies any attempt to be productive. The chosen activity typically includes a little stretching, some structured breathing, a review of each tool and its intended function, and a refresh on safety procedures (things like Manhattans and power tools don't mix). This year's warm up activity was assembly of a new charcoal grill (which my Bride prefers over the gas grill for routine cooking). Here are a few shots from the grill challenge. First the dreaded parts inventory (not really sure what I would do if there ever actually were parts missing as by this time I have typically trashed the packaging; fortunately, I usually end up with extra parts).

The inventory is customarily followed by confirmation that needed tools are at hand (or in this case, in hand. Not surprisingly, this  particular tool was the one most often needed throughout Hell Month. To paraphrase those old Monsanto commercials, this tool doesn't perform any tasks - it makes performing the tasks better :-)

Here we have a shot of what I like to call the "till death do us part" segment that occurs during most projects. You know. That moment when the loving, supportive spouse (who has actually read the instructions) smiles through her teeth while thinking "just hold on - he'll figure it out eventually".

And the typical response to the "till death do us part" moment - "Hey, I meant to do that. I only tried to mount the legs backwards to make sure they didn't fit".

Finally, the finished product - proof that with enough lubrication and forgiveness, we'll get there.

Next up was relocation of the backyard picnic table to the cottage. As we were seldom using the table at home, we felt it would be a nice addition to Wiser Times and simplify mowing of the back yard. Here is a shot of me down on all fives (yes, at my age the butt counts) taking this puppy apart so it would fit into the Traverse.

And a few shots of the eventual reassembly at Wiser Times. Note the advanced wrenching technique in the fourth shot. It was the only way I could figure out how to get the lag screws back in the same holes (and yes, I procure my Ibuprofen at Costco).

One major task always on the Hell Month list is reclaiming the deck from winter. Here is a shot of the yard-vac stage. Note that I prefer the more stylish cross-shoulder/one-handed drag technique. I don't recommend this approach without prior consultation with a chiropractor.

Here is a rare shot of me resorting to the two-handed/stubborn-leaf grip to dislodge a particularly ornery twig clinging to the groove between two planks. The battle to protect one's space from the ceaseless onslaught of nature is not for the weak of heart.

The yard-vac stage, of course, is followed by the equally daunting deck washing stage, which involves an arsenal of inventive tools such as buckets, brushes, hoses - and liniment.

But the results are always worth it, as one has through his or her own gifts created a clean and debris-free living environment (which unfortunately lasts on average anywhere from 10-12 minutes; it's something about living among trees).

Another common task during Hell Month is refurbishing the pine yard furniture. Here is a shot of me applying my scraping, sanding and varnishing skills to one of the Adirondacks, each of which received a thorough overhaul this spring. Here I'm demonstrating the half-inverted/horizontal side-scrape technique commonly used in the northern states and parts of southern Ontario (note the elaborate utility belt I'm sporting; Bob Villa - eat your heart out). Fortunately, due to a top-drawer redo last year the yard swing required only minor touch ups this time around (one of the few windfalls in this year's program).

Here are the finished products, ready for a summer of lounging, imbibing and late-afternoon bird watching.

Of course as many of you know, this year's big yard project was to install a putting green. This idea served two purposes - first to make better use of a section of the backyard that doesn't seem to like grass, and second to support the Burk family's growing interest in golf. So the putting green is really half yard decoration and half new toy. It was work, and this first attempt was quite a learning experience. But the finished product turned out to be eminently putt-able.

We've had great fun with our little three-cup layout. The surface is a bit bumpy but not so much that the ball won't track. The tricky contours make up somewhat for the short distances between cups (the longest is about 12 feet). We might make the effort in the future to re-lay the surface on a smoother bed, but it would take about six more bags of crushed stone, two six-packs, at least three buddies and the rental of a power tamper to get the job right. I'll let certain of you know if we ever get up the energy (those aforementioned souls who do wake up looking for a reason to crack open their tool boxes). Here are just a few shots of the installation process (which is more fully documented in the Burk Family Blog post Backyard Putting Green).

First there was the clean up of the desired space, which had been our location of choice for unprocessed sticks and other yard waste. This is the "before" picture.

Then there was clearing what grass remained to frame the desired area for the putting green.

Followed by laying weed-preventing cloth.

And spreading crushed stone over the cloth.

Next, my pathetic attempt to smooth things out with a rented roller.

Followed by brushing sand into the putting surface (artificial turf with tiny pockets to hold the sand, which in turn holds the surface against the crushed stone bed).

Finally the surface is staked in place (to resist wind),

and the cups are inserted (another "all fives" activity).

And voila! A home putting surface. We also added decorative stone as a border around the maple tree and plan to do the same on the west side of the green (the left in this picture) to separate it from the ground cover in the garden.

One other project that was completed without documentation was the installation of a hammock post in the east garden area of the back yard (oddly, the camera crew was on some kind of retreat during this project; it may have involved participation in a Judge Judy marathon). But here is a shot of the new hammock ready for action, including a fence rope-pull (for just the right amount of sway), stepping stones to the point of entry, and the required cocktail side table. If you're looking for me this summer, this might be a good place to start.

Well, there you have it. Another Hell Month has come and gone, and was survived, with new lessons learned. Here's hoping that in the future I plan a little better, with less work spread over a longer time period. Life does have its challenges. But for now, I expect to be back in my groove (see previous post The Art of the Dawdle), relaxing, enjoying the summer months, and blogging, with only incidental contact with anything that might be categorized as a tool.

There will be one exception to this plan. The cottage counterpart to Hell Month is what I call Heck Week. Less intense but none-the-less a challenge. Unlike Hell Month which involves completing a long list of tasks and projects, Heck Week at Wiser Times is designed to launch fix-ups and improvement projects that get worked more leisurely over the summer. More leisurely - way. I'll have more to say about Heck Week and its key event - the Spinner Afterglow - in an upcoming post.

Until next time - Grosse Pointe Charles.