First, a
disclaimer. I love my family. All of them. Even the ones whose perspectives on
life I don't really understand. I'm proud of most of them, and I try not to
judge any of them. But I've learned a few new things about being family since
my transformation to "idle savant".
It's
often said that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.
Eh, maybe. That may have been true years ago, when multiple
generations often lived under one roof and people didn't get out or away from
each other much.
What I've found in our highly mobile and geographically dispersed families of today is that despite the fact that we can't choose family, we can and do pick and choose the family members we spend time with and look after, much the same as we do with our friends. So with one exception, I view family and close friends pretty much in the same light. That one exception is that if you decide to sever relations with a family member, there can be a lot of estate planning paperwork involved.
Another condition
I've noticed is that aside from outward appearances (your mother’s nose, your
father’s hairline), it’s often hard to believe that kids of the same family are
from a common gene pool. I’m talking widely disparate interests, inclinations,
beliefs and behaviors. Perhaps it’s the result of living in such an open and
electronically connected society. The forces that influence each of us seem to
be less clear and quite unpredictable, from an early age.
So during this emeritus period of enlightenment, I have refined my position on "nature versus nurture". My current thinking is that genetics, while likely determining an individual's potentials (intellectual, physical, emotional), is way less important than environment. This is mainly because the vast majority of us (yes, I'm speaking mainly of and for myself here) achieve far below our genetic limits. Rather, what we decide to try and find the will to see through to conclusion has much greater impact on our lives and those around us than anything encoded within our genes.
Thus, while families
can be said to give us our basic biological framework that defines the limits of
our potential, how we each develop and navigate that potential is largely up to
us. Not to say that individuals may not face obstacles in achieving their goals
or, in some cases, just getting through the day. They certainly can and do. And
some of those obstacles would undo the best of us.
But I’ve
come to believe that for most of us, where we are today is due more to our
choices than our origins. And tomorrow, we each have
to make more choices (these days mine seem
mostly to do with which meds to take at which meal and do I want my next specialist
appointment in the morning or afternoon). The downside for me, unfortunately,
is that having come around to this point of view I can no longer blame my
shortcomings on my forefathers or on some cosmic particle that may have maliciously
rearranged my chromosomes.
One final thought on families. The idea of passing things down from one generation to the next seems to be gradually fading way. We all have stuff, sometimes a lot of stuff, from past generations that future generations may not have much interest in. I’m talking antique furniture, silver, china, crystal, collectible figurines, jewelry, wind-up clocks, art, old photographs – you get the idea.
Now I’m
sure that some of our kids do value these items, want them, and will when the time comes give them
nice homes. But today’s lifestyle is much less formal than that of our
ancestors. Fancy dinners and formal family gatherings are few and far between,
and for the most part have been replaced by family rooms full of Doritos and
designer beer. Dragging out the Lenox and the flatware has given way to Chinet and finger food.
Don’t get
me wrong. I love modern informality, and I don’t mind that the flat screen
television has replaced the oak dining table as the center of family
gatherings. I just think we have a lot more stuff from our own and previous generations that
will have a hard time relocating when we take our turns in assisted living. I’m
especially worried about my collections of laser disks and cassette tapes.
Grosse Pointe Charles
