My Bride and I have just completed our most active season of hosting in our 36 year marriage. In the past 12 weeks (84 days) we have had the following:
- Number of days with at least one overnight house guest - 50.
- Number of days with multiple house guests - 34.
- Number of different individuals who were house guests - 27.
- Highest number of house guests at one time -13.
- Total number of guest-days (a guest-day = one individual staying over one night) - 148.
Whew. That's a lot of linen laundry. And that's not considering a dozen or so other friends and family that dropped in for an afternoon or a cocktail party to catch up with the overnighters.
Here is some of the documentary evidence of these past few weeks. I will concentrate on the group events. First, a few shots of the family get-together in early August. Here we have the classic dinner shot with, from left to right, my mother Dolores, my son Ted's girl friend Summer, granddaughter Leili, grandson Cyrus, moi, son Ted, daughter Cathy, son-in-law Matt, daughter Christine and my Bride.
Here we have a classic post-dinner game session (Quirkle this night) with Christine, Summer, Cathy, Ted and Leili.
This pic is of the equally classic s'mores party with Ted instructing his kids on the basic skill of not burning your marshmallows to a crisp, and Christine demonstrating her well-honed technique.
And finally, a four-generational version of happy hour in the gazebo.
A couple of weeks later we hosted the annual weekend gathering of our Music Night group. Again from left to right, Jeff Reinhart, Christine, Pat Rouan, Pat's bride Linda Mathews, Laura Forest, moi, my Bride, Deandra Reinhart, Quinton Anderson, Jim Wyatt, Laura's hubby Brian Bauer, and the Reinhart offspring Miranda and Justin.
This shot is of a casual post-lunch gathering under the deck umbrella with Brian, yours truly, Justin and Deandra.
And a gathering of electronic tablets on the deck shutter table with Justin, Linda, Deandra, Laura and Nancy.
Finally, a late-night Irish cream session in the gazebo with faces shaded to protect the guilty.
The Music Night crowd had barely left town when another family episode unfolded. Here are my sister Wendy, up from Florida, and my sister Cindy from Flushing.
During her stay at Wiser Times, Wendy was visited by two of her Michigan daughters. In this first shot we have daughter Melanie from the Traverse City area who joined in the family fun for the Labor Day weekend.
Wendy's eldest daughter Jennifer also dropped in for an afternoon with her daughter Lauren. From left to right Christine, Lauren, Jennifer, Wendy and Melanie. It was fun to get this group of nieces and cousins together for the first time in quite a few years.
Closing out the group hosting series for the summer the weekend after Labor Day was a gathering at our home in Grosse Pointe of a few of Nancy's high school classmates, in town for a 45th reunion weekend. In this pic, I'm sitting at the bar in our family room with Miguel from Tennessee (who with his bride Jan were also house guests for the reunion weekend) receiving instructions from Nancy on the role of non-classmate spouses at the big dinner (smile, buy drinks, and avoid private conversations with her and Jan's old boy friends).
Here is a picture of several of these old friends as they gathered for the reunion dinner down the block at the Grosse Pointe Yacht Club. From left to right one more time, Carol, Sue L, Pam, Gary, Sue V, Nancy, Eva and Dawn. All but Sue L spent time at our home that weekend either as a house guest or cocktail party attendee.
There'll be more coverage of all these noteworthy events in my 2016 in Review posts at the end of the year, but you get the idea. There was a fair amount of hosting going on this summer in the Burk household.
So you may ask, "Are you nuts? Why would anyone do all that? I mean, you're retired, right? Taking life easy?"
No, we're not nuts. And yes, we are retired and for the most part, taking life easy. At least we hope to be soon. Let me explain. Or at least try to make a cogent argument for our odd behavior.
First of all, we like people. Especially our close family and friends. And, not to get too heavy about it, we have a family value to do things with and for our family and friends (see previous post Family Values for more on this concept, rooted in my former days as a Franklin facilitator). This value has led us to think about ways to spend time with our family and friends and to fashion our activities and worldly spaces to accommodate that thinking.
Second, getting together is fun. And as I've noted in a number of previous posts, fun is one of my best things. It pumps me up and starts those creative juices flowing. Now I do like my private time - playing music, watching movies, reading books, communing with nature at the water's edge. And my hanging-with-my-Bride time - chatting, choring, binge watching TV series of our mutual interest, going to movies, playing golf, imbibing by the fire, and road-tripping around the country. But many of our favorite memories are of our times in the presence of the many family members and friends we consider to be kindred spirits.
And third, there are a few practical benefits of periodically inviting others into your space as I have waxed about philosophically in a number of previous posts. Deep cleaning, home improvement projects, lawn and garden maintenance - all seem to take on greater importance and satisfaction when company's in the calendar. It seems as though these worthy but onerous tasks often don't get done until only a few days (or sometimes hours) prior to cars pulling into the driveway.
Now despite these excellent reasons for hosting, I admit that it does take a little more than good intentions and to-do lists to pull it all off. Over the years I've learned a little about the art of hosting, how to keep it fun, and how to retain the desire to some day host again despite the challenges. So I thought I would share a few tips. Here goes.
1. Don't do it unless you really want to. This may seem a little harsh, but we should start at the beginning. Not everyone is cut out for hosting. And that's fine. We each have roles in life that we're not comfortable with. And no hosting is painless. If you're not comfortable with others exploring your house, working in your kitchen, playing with your toys, tapping your beer fridge, and generally rearranging your household, hosting isn't for you. All these are requirements for putting people at ease, which is key to successful hosting. If such behavior makes you wince, you'll be better off practicing the equally valuable skill of being a gracious guest. No shame in that.
2. Don't do it unless your spouse (if you are so blessed) really wants to. Your life partner should be as comfortable as you are with the guest behaviors described above. For those of you who are strong feelers, this should be intuitive. Nothing grieves an otherwise happily married soul as much as an unhappy spouse. And you don't want to experience this debilitating phenomenon with a house full of people looking for a good time. For those of you who think such an obstacle can be overcome with a little planning and smooth talking, you have my sympathy.
3. Do some initial planning. If you make it past Tip 1 and Tip 2, you're ready to actually think about how to make your hosting adventure a success. Your plan should be simple, but you do need to consider the basics - who's coming when, what will they eat, how do they like to play, and if overnighters are involved when and where will they sleep. The greatest benefit of developing your plan is that once you've thought through all the prep work that will be involved in your hosting event, you will likely cancel the whole thing and save yourself the trouble.
4. Don't hog all the fun. If you make it past the planning, the cleaning, and the menu prep, and you're actually in the presence of a house full of guests, too late. You're toast. Just suck it up and live with the fact that you blew all your chances to escape. However, even at this late date, there are still a couple of things to keep in mind. One is that good people - the kind you would invite into your home - always want to contribute. So don't be selfish.
For example, encourage them to bring food items they like, and even help you with kitchen chores during their stay. You could also "inadvertently" leave out a cleaning or maintenance tool or two. You never know when a guest might enjoy firing up a vacuum cleaner or playing with a weedwacker.
5. Accommodate those guests with special needs. This notion is a slight variation on the previous suggestion. We all have friends with what I will refer to as personality quirks, or predilictions for certain activities. These semi-compulsive behaviors can be social in nature, like sharing music or movies, taking pictures, or even taking on a quasi-hosting task such as staffing the BBQ grill. Other behaviors may be work-oriented, such as an obsession for fixing things or improving the functionality of any device within one's immediate surroundings.
In keeping with the spirit of the PGDA (Party Goers with Disabilities Act), I recommend that you take steps to make these individuals comfortable during their guest experience by encouraging them to just let it out. Tell them to feel free to exercise their particular foibles while in your space. And then make a point of thanking them for their contributions.
In severe cases, like incessantly productive personalities, you may need to procure project materials in advance (like a new shower head or a fresh load of unsplit firewood) and leave them out with appropriate tools in full view of the affected souls. This will allow such guests to break into a fit of repair or improvement at their own pace, when he or she can no longer hold back. They will enjoy the rush, and with a little foresight you may get a burdensome task off your list.
6. Act like a guest yourself. My last tip for surviving a hosting experience is to do as little doting on your guests as possible. The best way to accomplish this is to usher your guests to their accommodations, show them where everything is (food, drink, bathrooms, spare meds), and give them license to explore your home at their leisure. It also helps to point out your latest toys and entertainment devices, and encourage all to try them out. And then, just blend in and go about your business as if you were a guest yourself.
What you will find, especially if your guests have been in your space before, is that they will quickly learn and master "the drill". They will know everything necessary to relax and enjoy themselves and interact with your other guests just fine, unless you get in the way. The only exception to this principle is to make sure you listen to and promptly act on any "suggestion" your spouse might make regarding the comfort of your guests. After all, you want to do more than just survive the current -hosting assignment. You want to live to host again.
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Well, that's enough for now I would say. I hope you find a pearl or two in these tips to help you either avoid or make the most of your next hosting experience. And perhaps you will feel a little more at ease when you are next hosted by the Burks, now that you know that our inattention to your every need is not personal but just part of the plan.
Grosse Pointe Chuck
