Chores

In my previous state of what I like to refer to as "chore grace", I had forgotten what it takes to keep a home (make that two homes) up and running. You see, many years ago my Bride negotiated a deal for her early departure from the world of government employment. She wanted to head for the greener pastures of home self-employment which eventually resulted in what is known on the web as www.littlechickadee.com (if you haven't tried it, you should. Your local wild bird population will thank you.) But back to the deal. Nancy wanted to make this move so badly that she agreed to a major shift in the Burk family chore-time continuum.

A brief historical note is needed here. Prior to Nancy's move to the private sector, the family chore-time continuum had hummed along in perfect balance for many years (well at least it hadn't gone supernova). The cooking, marketing, house cleaning, laundry, yard work, bill-paying, arranging for and managing house repairs, etc., had been if not evenly at least carefully distributed across the adults and offspring benefiting from life at 651 Vernier. We even had weekly meetings to review the status of key activities, propose adjustments, threaten the kids and assign blame for systems breakdowns. It was a little bloody at times, but it worked. Enter "Nancy's Great Adventure".

In order to make the great escape, Nancy was willing to assume responsibility for all household chores. Let me repeat that. All - household - chores. This was even more noteworthy as by that time the kids either had or were about to leave the nest for college and had greatly reduced their involvement in household affairs (other than receiving tuition and housing money, of course.)  So I couldn't believe my good fortune.  Without fanfare or hullabaloo, my ship had come in. I had hit the spousal jackpot. I had found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I was free. But I digress.

To be truthful, I actually did retain three tasks - ironing my own slacks, taking out the trash and blowing snow. For some reason, these were the items that Nancy deemed most unpleasant. Fortunately, all were within my limited domestic skill set, so the die was cast. I had it pretty good (read incredibly good) for quite a while, and was even able to avoid a number of snow removal episodes with some well-timed business travel. But sadly, like all good things, my chore-grace has come to an end.

While intellectually I knew that an adjustment to the home chore routine was coming, and only fair, emotionally I wasn't ready. Having little direct experience with such duties in recent years, I had forgotten just which ones were the most pesky and required the greatest effort. So I was ill-prepared for the "now you're retired" negotiations (although I knew I would not be given laundry. I had received a life-time ban from laundry many years ago for unacceptable performance - who knew white isn't a color?)

But my lucky star came through again.  The conversation was brief, and I was both humiliated and saved by my Bride's intimate knowledge of my limitations. I took back yard work (which thankfully does not include gardening.  That is squarely on Nancy's list. Gardening requires special knowledge and a high level of attention. In Olympian terms, I was "DQd".) I also took kitchen cleanup and a periodic commitment to participating in something called "deep cleaning", most likely under the supervision of others. And to humor me, I get to lead and actually perform most of the tasks that would fall into the category of organizing, like straightening piles into stacks, de-cluttering cupboards and closets, and tidying up the garage and furnace room - all tasks that only have to be done at all if you have a certain personality disorder (can you say OCD?)

I did have one close call when a question was raised as to whether trimming the hedge was yard work or gardening. I must have looked pretty pathetic after receiving my new assignments as it only took a half-hearted grimace and a pouty lip to receive a favorable ruling that it was.....gardening :-)  Pity can be a beautiful thing.

So as it turned out I didn't do so badly. Even though the new chore distribution applies to both the house and the cottage, I've been able to keep up and even work ahead a bit on the organizing thing (go figure). And Nancy is grateful that very few of my new duties include the use of power tools. This may help the family budget by avoiding an increase in costs for duct tape and band aids.