Family Meetings Part 2 - Values

Now that we've had a little fun with the lighter side of family meetings (see previous post Family Meetings), I'd like to take a brief and perhaps slightly sober look at some higher ground. I don't want to leave you with the impression that our family meetings were only about housekeeping and homework. They were really about so much more. Woven throughout our long history of family meetings has been the constant thread of family values.

For my Bride and me, there is no universal set of correct values that all families should embrace. Rather, each family (and by extension each person) has the right to choose what they hold dear and to then honor those choices in their daily lives. Of course, there are always external limitations in life. For us, those are mostly the social and legal contracts we have as citizens of our various communities (neighborhood, city, state, country - even planet). We do our best not to run afoul of those responsibilities and to respect our fellow citizens, regardless of how they might be aggravating us. But given this caveat, we look to ourselves.

The issue of family values took on added meaning for us once the kids became verbal and wanted to talk about things. Before that Nancy and I were able to discuss, agree and act on a common set of values through ongoing conversation. As we lived together, worked together, commuted together - basically did almost everything together - there was ample opportunity. But in the mid-80s we went formal in an attempt to get our story straight before the inevitable interrogation we knew we would face from our constantly maturing, curious, engaged children. That meant putting those thoughts and ideas from our personal conversation into a form that could be easily and clearly communicated.

We started with an exercise I had undertaken during my early years as a Franklin Day Planner devotee, only this time Nancy and I completed it together. We individually listed out a set of values, shared them, discussed their underlying meanings and arrived at a final list we could support as a family. We then prioritized the list (to be better prepared for potential future conflicts) and shared the finished product with the kids.

The kids may or may not remember the list as they were pretty young the last time we formally reviewed it with them. But they certainly thought about and lived the values through the years in large part due to the family meetings and resulting activities. So for posterity, here are the actual values, presented in our priority order. Those of you who have spent a measure of time with our family will hopefully see some familiar themes.

The first six values address the people in our lives and the importance of interpersonal relationships. They are:

1. Honesty - sort of a prerequisite for the others.

2. Physical health - can't really do much for others if you aren't taking care of yourself.

3. Strong, supportive marriage - the foundation of the family, and in turn family values.

4. Effective parenting - the chief responsibility of the family.

5. Support of grandparents - in appreciation for what has been given to us by previous generations. 

6. Close (extended) family and friends - one of our great joys, primed only by health and family.

The second set of six values addresses individual conduct, for parents to model and children to practice.

7. Integrity - as a prerequisite for earning respect and acquiring influence.

8. Safety - assessing and managing risk.

9. Happiness - balancing the work of life with fun and personal enjoyment (see previous post on The Art of the Dawdle).

10. High self-esteem - accepting and valuing who we are and our unique gifts.

11. Fairness - in all things, to earn the trust of others.

12. Dependability - to demonstrate your value to others and to collaborative efforts.

The final five values address the individual success of family members:

13. Financial security - earn, save and be prudent where money is concerned.

14. Intellectual growth - pay attention to and learn about the past, the present and the world around you.

15. Professional/educational success - pursue formal education and career.

16. Order - in all things, to avoid waste and misunderstanding.

17. Social responsibility - give more than you take from society, and do what you can to improve the well-being of others.    

It may seem like 17 is a lot, and it is.  But life is complex, and we felt each of these values had a role to play in our family life so we kept them all. Fortunately, the broad range of issues that made its way into our family meetings through the years provided a steady stream of opportunity to promote our values. Of course, family meetings aren't essential for having or living values. But for us, the meetings turned out to be a great tool for applying our values to everyday life. And we are so glad they happened.

As always, comments welcome.